beating people up with sticks!
by Tyrne J
Summary: pain and suffering in the form of a massive PWP! update: trying very hard, in which the author really does, and someone suffers because of it. Oh. Well.
1. smoking the love

So it was twelve o'clock in the morning, and they were definitely not happy.   
  
NOT HAPPY!  
  
And Gojyo said: "Damn, I need my cigarettes!"  
  
And Sanzo said: "Damn, I need my cigarettes!"  
  
And Goku said: "I'm hungry!"  
  
And Hakkai just laughed.  
  
LAUGHED!  
  
So Hakkai and Jippu – it's Jeep! JEEP! THAT'S WHAT THEY CALL IT, DAMMIT! THE NAME OF THE JEEP IS JEEP! WHAT'S WITH THIS JIPPU CRAP? – went out to go get food in town before they left to GO WEST!   
  
Because Going West is what they were supposed to do, even though they all WANTED TO KILL EACH OTHER!   
  
It works like this: Sanzo wants to kill everyone, so there's that. And Gojyo wants to kill Sanzo, for stealing his cigarettes, even though he doesn't like them – Sanzo's a bastard that way. And Goku wants to kill Gojyo for eating his food – HIS FOOD! And Hakkai wanted to –   
  
Well, we'll get to that part later.  
  
But, in anycase, Kougaiji and his group wanted to kill the Sanzo party and –   
  
NO! WE'LL GET TO HAKKAI NOW!  
  
Right! We will! Because, at this very moment, he and Hakuryuu are out BUYING CIGARETTES for the TWO LAZY BUMS IN THE HOTEL! Very lazy, he might add.  
  
But that was alright, because after buying the cigarettes, he and Hakuryuu went out to buy some beer and got drunk. Well, Hakuryuu got drunk, because Hakkai doesn't get drunk! Haha, that's good – what a guy.   
  
And in anycase, he and JEEP were chugging the beer, and smoking the cigarettes, and basically just WASTING DA MONEY on things besides food and by now Sanzo, Gojyo, and Goku were getting really worried about where they were.  
  
Goku: Where are we?  
  
Gojyo: We're still at the inn, idjut.  
  
Sanzo: Your cigarettes suck.  
  
Gojyo: THEN DON'T SMOKE 'EM!  
  
But while they were arguing, Hakuryuu went ballistic and attacked a few small villages, and Hakkai laughed his head off. Then Kougaiji, Yaone, Lilin, Dokuga – Doistu – Jien showed up and blew away Goku and Gojyo and Sanzo with a large tank of super-sweetened coffee, but Hakkai and Hakuryuu weren't there, so they were still okay.  
  
OKAY!  
  
So when the two Haks (haha, Hakkai and Hakuryuu, get it?) came back, Hakkai took a look at the dead Sanzo and the coffee and said:  
  
"Yare yare desu ne…"  
  
And Hakuryuu said:  
  
"Kyuu…"  
  
And Kougaiji said: "You all suck, eat COFFEE!"  
  
But Hakkai said: "I like coffee! I win!"  
  
So Kougaiji, Yaone, Lilin, and that other guy all screamed – NO ONE'S SUPPOSED TO LIKE COFFEE! NOT EVEN GYUUMAOH LIKES COFFEE! – and ran away.  
  
And that's how Hakkai came to rule the world. 

* * *

Title : beating people up with sticks!!!  
By: TyrneJ  
Series: Gensoumaden Saiyuki  
Disclaimer: Written by a fan, for fans only. You get the picture.  
[notes: I'm sorry. I really am. It's really just a braindump, so beware!]  
  



	2. ambrosia, the food of the gods

Kanzeon: Innnteresting…  
  
Gojyo: Just what the HELL was THAT?  
  
Sanzo: A load o' crap, that's what it was.  
  
Hakkai: So this is fanfiction…  
  
Goku: Why do we have to put up with this?  
  
Kougaiji: Better you than me, 'sall I'm saying.  
  
Gojyo: Why do you get off the hook?  
  
Kougaiji: Easy; half of my party is female.  
  
Goku: I don't get it.  
  
Sanzo: You don't have to, stupid monkey.  
  
Yaone: Can we get on with the real story?  
  
Kanzeon: Oh, I don't know; I would like to see where this last one goes.  
  
Sanzo: You would, wouldn't you?  
  
Gojyo: Can we just kill the author?  
  
More to come!  



	3. fighting youkai helps you stop smoking

So it was noon, and everyone was pissed.  
  
Sanzo was pissed. Gojyo was pissed – well, you get the picture.  
  
The odd thing was, no one else knew why each other was pissed, just that they were.   
  
The Sanzo party was known for that attitude – well, at least known throughout the youkai world. The eternally-pissed-off attitude that no youkai wanted to see, but every youkai wanted to squelch under a massive, much-needed beating. It was that bad-ass attitude and pissed-off state of mind that was probably what made them so damned annoying – well, that, and the fact that they DIDN'T DIE, but that's another thing.  
  
What was also annoying was the fact that so many youkai were losing whatever reason they had left just to kill those bastards. Then they'd get wasted because they would somehow FORGET that no one could match the Sanzo party's bad-assed-ness when they were righteously pissed.  
  
Well, no one with a real face. Those guys don't last long, but they sure were recyclable for the next episode.  
  
Moving on. At this rate, even if the Sanzo party were stopped right before Gyuumaoh is raised (because that's probably what will happen, anyway), there won't be much of a youkai kingdom left to call a kingdom.   
  
And this was why Kougaiji was banging his head against the wall, in a fortress, far, far away. At least, far West.  
  
It was actually really stupid, because he was supposed to be tracking down the Sanzo party. He figured that they'd be at the fortress by now, if it weren't for all those hang-ups along the way.   
  
Maybe he should stop sending youkai out to kill them.  
  
Maybe he should start beating the crap out of his non-followers, just so they could get on their way.  
  
Maybe he should BEAT THE CRAP OUT OF LILIN!  
  
"I said, stop it!" He said for the umpteenth time that day, swatting away his little sister's hand.  
  
"I'm bored. Let's go beat up the Sanzo party."  
  
The other three in the room immediately thought of the same thing:  
  
You mean, you're hungry, and you want Sanzo's meat buns.  
  
By the gods, that sounded so wrong.  
  
And finally, we're back to those guys, who were still at the inn, sharing a moment of pissed-off-ness. The closest to bonding they'll probably ever get, and we all know it's true, no matter how much we'd want otherwise.  
  
Did I say that out loud? Huh.  
  
Incidentally, Hakkai was very pissed off, because all the groceries and supplies he had bought the night before were all gone, thanks to a series of youkai attacks during the night. And, consequently… no, well, wait, everyone was pissed off because of that.   
  
Note the lack of cigarettes.  
  
Note the lack of food.  
  
All around moment of RIGHTEOUS RAGE!  
  
Except, all the youkai in the vicinity were dead. No place to vent.  
  
This should have spurred people into moving, but to no avail. They were all sitting sacks of meat, and the maid, who had come in then to see if they were checked out yet, wondered if they were sitting there waiting to be cooked.  
  
Mmm, steamed meat.  
  
And Sanzo didn't have meat buns for Lilin.  
  
What a shame.  
  



	4. carcinogenic hotdogs!

Sizzle.  
  
And now the author would like to restate that this is in fact, a prolonged PWP fic.   
  
The author was also very forgetful about what PWP meant, and had to be reminded quite a few times. Plot? What Plot? There should be punctuation there, she was sure of it.  
  
After about two hours of sitting in a hotel sizzling, while the inn-maid invited the other guests for a barbecue at the Sanzo-party's expense, Hakkai finally picked himself off the floor and tapped Hakuryuu on the head.  
  
This meant that he'd finally gotten over his silent pissed-off state, and was ready for another day's worth of driving to some unnamed place that probably sported big guns and a really bitchy sleeper.   
  
Hakkai was really not looking forward to completing their journey.  
  
Plus, wasn't the world round? Wouldn't they have been better off if they went East? Gods know it could have taken them only a day, but nooo.  
  
Okay, so the guy was still a little mad.  
  
The other guys still stewed. The maid waved to Hakkai from her position behind Gojyo, a piece of meat dripping delicious drippy-sauce onto the kappa's red locks.  
  
Such pretty red locks, highlighted so nicely against the darkened walls of the room. And the two stray bits of hair, waving proudly in the windless room, while dark eyes glared – such a handsome glare – at a spot on the floor. The maid would've swooned a while back at Gojyo's muscular body, if it weren't for the fact that her barbecue would suffer.  
  
The inn's patrons needed serving, and the Sanzo party's room was a perfect kitchen.  
  
But Hakkai needed coffee. "Excuse me, but where's the coffee machine?"  
  
There was a long gasp of disbelief and horror. "GASP!"  
  
And they did say "GASP". What else do people say when they gasp? Silly.  
  
IT'S THE GREAT HAKKAI, KEEPER OF THE ACURSED COFFEE AND (former) RULER OF THE WORLD!  
  
Ahem.  
  
The inn's patrons shifted back, pressing themselves against the wall, while Hakkai strode down the hall, retrieved his coffeepot, poured himself a cup of hot, black, delicious, mesmerizing –   
  
GET ON WITH IT!  
  
- coffee, and gulped it down, all in one long, satisfying swallow.  
  
Swallows are birds.  
  
And Hakuryuu is a dragon, so what's the point?  
  
Well, the point is, or was, that swallows are birds, and Hakkai just drank a swallow.  
  
Goku: Maybe it's a magical swallow?  
  
WHOEVER HEARD OF A MAGICAL SWALLOW, AND DID I GIVE YOU PERMISSION TO SPEAK?  
  
It was a magical swallow. Now, SHUT UP!  
  
Goku: Bitch.  
  
Idjut. Where was I?  
  
Oh.  
  
The magical swallow breathed its last breath as it hurtled down Hakkai's throat – which, by the way, should've hurt like hell, but it didn't, because it was MAGICAL!   
  
And because it was magical, it cast a spell on its devourer. Poor Hakkai.  
  
But then, who cares about Hakkai when we have a barbecue going on? Sanzo was still fueling the majority of the grills with his RIGHTEOUS RAGE! But Sanzo is also fueled by his cigarettes, of which were nowhere to be seen, for some reason.  
  
Oh, yeah, the youkai.  
  
RAGE!  
  
And thus, this went on for hours. Sometime during that, however, Goku found that food had to fuel his RAGE, and he could find it for free given the right situations and the right puppy-dog face.  
  
Wait. There was a barbecue right there. So he could go on indefinitely. The maid was only too happy to send food his way, once she figured out how to keep him there.   
  
Eat and Rage! Eat 'N Rage! What an interesting concept! There was always something to rage about, it's all the rage!  
  
Gojyo: okay, you can shut up, now.  
  
Yeah, I hate myself, too.  
  
By the way, Gojyo's hair was on fire.  
  



	5. flying erokappas!

In the far, far West, so West it had to be East, there slept a dead guy. And beside him, strung up painfully and wretchedly, hung some woman. And in front of that woman kneeled a red-haired youkai guy, gritting his teeth in suppressed anger.   
  
This, my dear friends, is the image of a happy nuclear family.  
  
If only Kougaiji had a gun, he could actually just get everything over with and shoot the woman who was standing behind him, trying not to hide her chortles of glee.   
  
But guns are bad. He knew that since he was a kid. So he used his fists instead. Fists and ki. Good combo. Hasn't failed the DBZ crowd yet.  
  
Sometimes he regretted the whole fist thing, but right now, he's regretting even touching that weirdo doctor's stuffed bunny. And, whaddaya know, both the blonde weird lady and the doctor were standing behind him, acting like they were invisible to him.  
  
But he's just good, and he could hear them through the Plexiglas they were holding up between him and them, mainly because it was only about a square foot of Plexiglas, and hardly worth using as a barrier.  
  
"Y'know," Nii started, shifting his bunny around in his hands, "Lilin has big – "  
  
EDUCATIONAL GUIDANCE!  
  
Kougaiji shuddered. His part-time job was definitely sucking now; he wondered for the nth time why he put up with the lady and her doc, who have done absolutely nothing except keep the Sanzo party from actually continuing their journey.  
  
Wait, wasn't that the plan in the first place?  
  
"A FIRE EXTINGUISHER! I NEED A – MY HAIR! AAAAUUUGGGHHH!" It can be noted that Gojyo screams like a girl.  
  
And runs like a girl.  
  
Gojyo: Do not.  
  
And can't swim, even though he's a water demon.   
  
In fact, what does he do besides tie people up with that … thing he carries?  
  
And just what is that thing he carries?  
  
Goku: He makes for a good distraction.  
  
… You're right. Watch!  
  
Random youkai: We're here to get you, Sanzo!  
  
Hakkai: Look! Distraction!  
  
Random Youkai: What distrac – AAIIIIEEE! FLYING WATER DEMON!  
  
Gojyo: AAAAIIIIEEEE!  
  
Hakkai: Mmm, chocolate-covered espresso beans…  
  
But I digress. Gojyo's hair was still on fire, and Hakkai was nowhere to be seen.  
  
Gojyo: Help me!  
  



	6. personal preferences

TELEPORTATION!  
  
"Wagh!" So Kougaiji yelped, and he yelped LOUDLY. And kicked Yaone in the face. Not on purpose, of course.  
  
"Ow!" But it hurt, nonetheless. Yaone had to bite her lip to keep from spewing out various expletives creatively born from her experiences in alchemy. "Where are we?" She noted that the other two of their traveling companions were also present, though Lilin was busy staring at her own chest in confusion.  
  
"HELP! MY HAIR!"  
  
"That weirdo guy was squeezing - "  
  
"IT'S ON FIRE!"  
  
"Stay away from the doctor, Lilin."  
  
"He's not here, anyway, sir."  
  
And the Doku-guy was right.  
  
Kougaiji: "Doku-guy"?  
  
… You're noisy -  
  
"SHUT UP." This said by Sanzo, who, after gathering enough energy to KICK PEOPLE OUT OF THEIR ROOM, was busy getting dressed.  
  
WHAT?! NAKED SANZO?! WHERE?!  
  
And many fangirls were immediately shot down by a bazooka somehow hiding in the fake bushes by one of many, many rocks. Nope, no greenery here - Quatre was a stealthy ninja.   
  
And, because this is a Saiyuki fic, and NOT GundamWing, Quatre has to leave.  
  
BOOT.   
  
"Awww!"  
  
Go… keep Trowa company. Or something.  
  
Yaone: Personally, I like the 4x2 pairing myself.  
  
1x2x1, all the way, baby. 3x4's alright, though.  
  
Yaone: 6x13 is another good one…  
  
Meh. 6x9 is better -   
  
Yaone: She's desperate. It's het. Don't dig it.  
  
Not everything has to be yaoi, Yaon - wait a minute. You're a yaoi fangirl.  
  
Yaone: … Duh?  
  
So, I have to ask: Do you ever see Kougaiji and Doku -  
  
Yaone: Every night, but the Sanzo-ikkou ones are better. You're never going to get his name right, eh?  
  
Too lazy to look it up.  
  
Yaone: IT'S ON THE FRICKIN' DVD! JUST LOOK AT IT!  
  
Gojyo: HEY! MY HAIR'S STILL -   
  
SHUT UP!  
  
Yaone: I'll do it.  
(Splash. And now Gojyo can shut up.)  
So, heard you were a 383 fan.  
  
Yah, yah, rub it in. Bet you like 39 and 58 -   
  
Yaone: three-five, actually. I -   
  
Wait. Why the hell are we talking about yaoi pairings?   
  
Gojyo: THAT'S WHAT I WANNA KNOW! (and what's with all the numbers? Geez, fangirls and their code)  
  
As much as I'd love to chat, we're moving on.   
  
Right. After the fangirls were … eliminated, Sanzo stomped out of the room to find a place to read the newspaper in peace.   
  
Fat chance of that.  
  
"GENJO SANZO!" Roared many youkai from outside the inn.  
  
"Or, is it 'Genzo Sanjo'?" A random youkai wondered aloud, and the others turned to stare at him.  
  
THWACK. "Heretic."  
  
"Yah, he's a monk. Show some respect."  
  
Go figure.  
  



	7. intermission i

(intermission i)  
  
Genjo Sanzo was starting to notice more changes in their environment since he and the three youkai had started west. Not so much changes in people - there will always be idiots in the world, in his opinion - nor in the natural world, like the trees and rocks, but in the little things, like the print in his daily newspaper, and the slight tang in his morning coffee. Different dialects and the gradual addition of local spices in the food - not to mention the various dishes he'd had - all of these changes were becoming more and more apparent as they moved ever-so-slowly westward.   
  
Their own cooking never changed, though, which was probably why it was becoming more obvious that they were moving into foreign grounds. Hakkai still shopped for nearly the same ingredients for their meals, though every once in a while he'd pick up a particular area favorite and try it out on Goku before letting the others sample it.   
  
Gojyo was adapting fairly quickly to their morphing surroundings; a girl was a girl, no matter what region she was from, and the only differences he'd encountered in his nightly quests were in the kinds of lines he used to pick them up and get them in bed.   
  
Goku also had taken in the western world with ease, but in his case, good food was good food, so anything else would not have mattered, anyway.   
  
Sanzo sometimes envied Goku's simplistic view of things. He himself had noticed the gradual curving in the print on his daily newspapers - the western style was apparently less angular than the writing he was used to seeing in the temple.   
  
Little things. Absently, he fingered the gold card the Three Aspects had given him for their journey, and wondered if they had to deal with currency exchange for those secluded parts their party had visited along the way.   
  
Ah, but it wasn't his concern, anyway. They gave him the card to use, so he planned on using it as long as he could. If they had complaints about their expenses, then they would have closed the account a long time ago.  
  
He shifted a little in his spot, a nicely secluded clearing with a scattering of trees and large flat rocks, most of them lining a quiet creek that drifted alongside the village. His morning already ruined by a sleepless night and the inn's annoying guests, Sanzo felt that he deserved at least an hour's worth of newspaper-and-naptime. Leaning up against a tree next to the creek, he pulled open the newspaper and began to read.  
  
The print was definitely getting harder to read, and Sanzo quickly dismissed thoughts of sleeplessness and old age in favor of a more intrigued look at how the western type looked almost like a drunken man's printing. Very wispy characters graced the headlines of his newspaper, accompanied by what looked like decorative dots and fancy borders for effect. Very intriguing.  
  
There was a faint rustling sound, the sound of light feet on sun-kissed grass, but the blonde only raised his head a millimeter before returning to his reading. "I take it you got tired of them, too."  
  
"Mmm?" Hakkai blinked solemnly at the blonde from where he stood behind Sanzo, one hand resting lightly on the tree's trunk.   
  
Sanzo took this as an agreement, turning a page in the paper, gaze skimming the headlines of the opinions section. He hated the opinions section, but every once in a while, there were some interesting tidbits. "A bunch of idiots, all of them."  
  
"Mmm."   
  
Rustle. Flip. The monk and youkai shared a moment of silence in the clearing, letting the quiet bubbling of the creek mix with the rustle of wind through grass and leaves. After a moment, Hakkai leaned forward and tapped Sanzo on the shoulder, a slight frown gracing his normally smiling face.  
  
"What is it?" The breeze picked up a little then, and Sanzo received an earful of leaves rustling while Hakkai spoke.  
  
" - uu."   
  
"What was that?"   
  
Hakkai smiled his all-too-familiar smile at Sanzo while he stood calmly in the shade. Sanzo snorted, returning to his reading. If he didn't want to say anything…  
  
"Kyuu." The green-eyed youkai said, still waiting patiently for the blonde to respond -  
  
Wait.  
  
"Hakkai?"  
  
"Kyuu?"  
  
What the fug.  
  
(by the way, intermission's over)  
  



	8. DOKUGAKUJI!

"My name is Dokugakuji."  
  
"Are you sure?"  
  
"Yeaaahhh…"  
  
"Really sure?"  
  
"Last time I checked…"  
  
"You sure you're not Dogakujiwasis?"  
  
"No, my name is - "  
  
"No, you're not sure, or no, your name is not Dogakujiwasis?"  
  
"No, my name is NOT Dogakuji - Dogo - whatever you said!"  
  
"… Really?"  
  
"Really.'  
  
"I think you're lying."  
  
"And I think you're an idiot."  
  
"Dokugakuji, stop talking to the monkey. Kougaiji gets to fight him, remember?"  
  
"Yaone. Kougaiji won't mind."  
  
"Ooh, the dominant one…"  
  
"What are you muttering about, Yaone?"  
  
"Nothing, Kougaiji-sama…"  
  
"Hey, I'm hungry."  
  
"We aren't your caretakers."  
  
"But Sanzo went somewhere, and Hakkai's gone, and Gojyo's hitting on that maid… Let's go eat something, so we can fight."  
  
"I want Sanzo's meat buns!"  
  
"LILIN!"  
  
"WHAAAT?!"  
  
"Goku, your dragon is - "  
  
"Well, technically, Hakuryuu is Hakkai's dragon - "  
  
"Using big words now, monkey?"  
  
"You don't get to call me that!"  
  
"He's drinking all the coffee - is that bad for a dragon?"  
  
Chug.  
  



	9. every which way but straight

This could be bad. Or it could not.  
  
But Sanzo couldn't reach his gun, so it may turn out okay after all.  
  
Maybe not.  
  
Hakkai was trying to crawl on Sanzo's back.  
  
O. M. G. 38! THREE-FRICKIN-EIGHT!  
  
Yaone: You stop that.  
  
It's not me!  
  
"Kyuu?"  
  
"GET OFF ME!"  
  
FLYING KICK! HERE COMES GOKU TO THE RESCUE!   
  
OH. EM. GEE. THREE-NINE -   
  
Yaone: I said, knock it off!  
  
Right, right. In anycase, Goku had come flying in with one of his patented Goku-Leaps? to save Sanzo from the ATTACK OF THE HAKKAI!  
  
Er, Hakuryuu, as it stands now.  
  
"Kyuu!" And here, Hakkai started to cry, an awful, awful sight, especially now that Hakuryuu was Hakkai was -   
  
I'm confused.  
  
Goku: It was the magical swallow!  
  
Right, right.  
  
And because Hakkai was not present to give that extra flare of ANGST to his weeping, seeing him cry on the grass in the peaceful clearing was just too cute. Heartbreaking, but CUTE.  
  
No ANGST.  
  
"Sanzo, I found you!" Goku was ecstatic, giving the monk the HUG OF HIS LIFE!   
  
It sucked the LIFE right outta him!  
  
Just kidding.  
  
Gojyo: Didn't I tell you to stop?  
  
"Kyuuu!"  
  
"STOP CRYING!"  
  
"Kyuuu!" Sniffle. Sob.  
  
"I SAID - "  
  
"Ne, Sanzo, what's wrong with Hakkai? I mean, I'm sorry I kicked him, but he's… crying…"  
  
And here, we go back to Kougaiji and his crew.   
  
They were sitting in the inn.  
  
Doing nothing.  
  
Back to Sanzo!  
  
"Hey, guys, did I miss anything?" Gojyo was in a particularly better mood.  
  
Sanzo was not. He gave Gojyo a LOOK -   
  
O. M. G. -   
  
Yaone: I said -   
  
And the look Sanzo gave Gojyo was the look of pure, unadulterated -   
  
Yaone: Wait, this is three-five! Keep going -   
  
RIGHTEOUS RAGE!  
  
Yaone: You suck.  
  



	10. ceremony

Gojyo: I swear, you're trying to break people.  
  
Nahhh. BUT! In honor of the TENTH CHAPTER OF THIS MASSIVE PWPWPW -   
  
Goku: What's that mean?  
  
Sanzo: It means shit on a stick.  
  
AHEM! IN HONOR OF THE TENTH CHAPTER, WE PRESENT:  
  
"A Ceremony Congratulating The Readers Who Have Made It This Far"  
  
A stack of books sits on a coffee table in the middle of a large box of a room. The table is a light brown, the walls blinding white.   
  
"I'm blinded!" Screams Lilin.  
  
Both Sanzo's and Kougaiji's parties are present. They stand around, looking bored. Goku considers picking his nose, but decides against it, instead settles for kicking the table.  
  
Sanzo walks forward, opens the topmost book from the stack, and flips through it, with growing disgust. The book holds the printed version of this very fna-ficshun, up to the tenth chapter. In large print. With scribbles of colored pens claiming to be illustrations.  
  
The inside book cover, covered in big writing and swirly-colored ink, reads:  
  
"Dedicated to those people who might just want a massive braindump every once in a while. Many apologies to those who might have been offended by this; truly, I meant only that we laugh. Thanks again for reading, and hopefully you'll keep reading!"  
  
He places the book back on top of the stack, and sweeps his arm out to the side, brandishing his lighter grandly. And, with a slow, deliberate motion, he sets the top book on fire.  
  
Burrrnnnnn…  
  
"Congratulations," He says, and everyone else applauds politely.   
  
"Kyuu," adds Hakkai, and the people rejoice.  
  
BUT IT'S NOT THE END OF THE CHAPTER!  
  
Yes, it is.  
  
[notes: I figured I might as well put in a little note here to keep in check with reality for a bit. And repeat once more that there was never any real plot to begin with whenever I started, and there really isn't any plot right now. Everything here is fueled by hyperactivity, sleepiness, and random stupid images of everyone doing things that would maybe one day make it into a serious fanfic, but not with my memory and time. In fact, a lot of the chapters started with a small image, and while I was writing it up, attracted other random statements that just seem to come out of nowhere. Thus, the claim to being a massive braindump is true. And, really, this is probably the only way I'd ever continue a multiparter for this long - if it had even remotely a plot, I'd probably break down and cry after the first chapter. ::points toward older multiparter fics:: I've no knack for that.   
  
In any case, seriously, thanks for reading and reviewing on this, even if I don't seem to know what's going on (and that's bad if even the author is lost). I really do enjoy writing this (and definitely reading the reviews - it means that other people find it funny, too), because it lets me get out all the rabid fangirlishness that I try to avoid when writing angsty and romantic stories and what-not (Romance?! What's that?). I mean, it wouldn't do to have Hakkai really drinking all the coffee in the world, would it?]  
  



	11. nope, no continuity here

[note: I've debated changing the rating for this fic for a while, mainly because of language - no nudity, except for the imagined NAKED SANZO, and no sex, because I'm no good at all that, and all the characters would end up killing me. Thanks to the gentle reminder by our friends at ff.net that there's a "report abuse" button on these fics, I've decided to change the rating just to be safe. Even though I know that most Saiyuki fans already can deal with the language - it's Saiyuki: even Hakkai may one day cuss out someone - I'm trying not to get my fic canned for overstepping the bounds of the "one-bad-word" limit imposed by PG-13, and I'm not going to bother counting how many are in this fic. I come from a time where "Dammit" is considered a bad word, so those count.   
  
So, sorry, no full-blown nudity, despite the rating, and no sex -   
  
Gojyo: Aww…  
  
- at least, where I have to write it -   
  
Gojyo: Oh. Okay.  
  
- and we can continue on in the R-rating without worrying too much about keeping our blood inside their respective vessels. Mmm, blood…  
  
Goku: That's… gross.  
  
Hey, I intend to make it worth the switch.   
  
Sanzo: Liar.  
  
Go suck it.  
  
/click/  
  
Ah - forget I said that. Anyway, on with the chapter!  
  
Hakkai: Prude.  
  
Gojyo: Haha. And she's old, too.  
  
I hate you both.]  
  
"We have joy, we have fun, we have blisters in the sun" Nii was singing, but no one could hear him -   
  
BECAUSE HE WAS TOO FAR WEST FOR ANYONE TO CARE!  
  
"Aww." The poor doctor hugged his bunny, and scooted away to whimper in his lab.  
  
Meanwhile, Kougaiji had finally given up on sitting at the inn, especially since a few of the maids were starting to give him rather hungry looks of … something, he couldn't tell what. He could smell barbecue from down the hall, though.  
  
Frankly, it was starting to creep him out.  
  
"Knock it off, Lilin," he added tiredly, feeling his sister's hands on his hair again. He had long since given up on trying to deal with his hair, now that Lilin had almost permanently separated his long red locks into three thick clumps that hung down his back. Stupid girl and her braiding practice.  
  
"I'm bored."  
  
"I know."  
  
"Let's go find the Sanzo party, and - "  
  
"Lilin?"  
  
"Hm, big brother?"  
  
"I smell barbecue."  
  
This gave the girl pause, and she sniffed the air - she hadn't noticed it before, why didn't she? THE SMELL OF JUICY MEAT ON A GRILL!  
  
MEAT!  
  
ZOOM. Annnd Lilin was out the door, giving Yaone and Dokugakuji more reason to love their superior even more.   
  
Kougaiji sighed, and the three continued to stare at each other's shoes in silence. So, really, they were still at the inn, doing nothing.  
  
This is boring.  
  
Down the hall, Hakuryuu slurped up the last of the coffee in the hotel kitchen and gave a satisfied burp.  
  
BURRRRP!  
  
Yes, Hakkai was well aware that he had switched bodies with Hakuryuu. Now that the coffee was gone, he was even more aware of it. Not that it was such a big deal, but he figured it would be best to finally find his body and see how Hakuryuu was faring.  
  
But first, even dragons need to use the restroom.  
  
And Sanzo seriously needed a new pack of cigarettes.  
  
"Here, Hakkai, have this one, Sanzo likes this brand!"  
  
"Kyuu?" Chomp.  
  
"Like it?"  
  
Chompchompchomp. "Kyuu…"   
  
In case anyone else was wondering, Goku was feeding Hakkai Sanzo's cigarettes.  
  
You're not supposed to eat cigarettes, by the way, but Goku wasn't about to share his hidden stash of SUPER-SWEET CHOCO-DELIGHT just yet. And it was well-known that Hakkai had a stomach of iron. Or something like that.  
  
And Gojyo had just smoked his last stick.  
  
Putz.  
  
Sanzo was also running out quickly because he had taken refuge against another tree to start chain-smoking.   
  
"Kyuu?" Hakkai had started searching Goku's pockets.  
  
"No, Hakkai! NOT MY CHOCO-DELIGHT!"  
  



	12. this close to a marysue

The whole inn was a massive scam to ensnare dumb travelers. It stood on a rocky hill, covered up (poorly) by a large bit of cardboard – the type one can find from refrigerator boxes – those big ones.   
  
It also sported a nice sauna.  
  
COOKED MEAT. Lilin sighed happily while she munched on steamed pork and rice in the middle of the sauna, of all places.   
  
Kougaiji made an exasperated face and closed the door on her, turning to survey his surroundings for the umpteenth time.   
  
"Just what am I doing here?"  
  
"That's what I'd like to know." Dokugakuji crossed his arms and leaned back against a cardboard wall. Behind him, there was the sound of many stage ninjas scurrying to brace the wall in utter silence.  
  
So, really, he heard nothing at all. Stage ninjas are awesome that way.  
  
"Yes, Lord Kougaiji." Yaone tried her best not to pout at her leader in a very un-Yaone-like way. "Are we going to kill the Sanzo team, or what – OW! WHAT THE FU – "  
  
A white dragon had nipped her on the ear. Hakkai, er, Hakuryuu, or… whatever.  
  
"Kyuu." This was a very Hakkai-like statement, what with the tone he was giving. "Kyuuuu."  
  
And he proceeded to wrap himself around Kougaiji's neck.   
  
Yaone: I haven't thought of that one…  
  
… Me, neither. You disturb me.  
  
Yaone: I disturb you?  
  
Kougaiji grimaced, but left the white dragon alone –   
  
Kougaiji: LIKE HELL I'M GOING TO LEAVE IT ALONE! GET THIS THING OFF MY NECK!  
  
Fine, fine. Kougaiji performed an IMPRESSIVE EVASIVE MANEUVER to avoid getting caught in the dragon's tail-wrap –   
  
"Kyuu!"  
  
But Hakkai's better than that.   
  
Kougaiji: I sense a favorite…  
  
Damn straight. But we're going to talk about the other group, now.  
  
Kougaiji: Dammit –   
  
"Y'know, Hakkai's acting kinda like Hakuryuu, Sanzo."  
  
"Really? Hey, the monkey's right!"  
  
"… I really hope that was sarcasm, or I'm going to have to kill you before the chapter ends."  
  
Too late.  
  



	13. Jien wants a story!

[note: YOU THOUGHT I WAS DEAD, DIDN'T YOU?! No, actually, I'm not. I'm sorry. Much thanks to you guys (generic term) for putting up with this, all ten of you. It makes me smile knowing the I make you smile. You're actually encouraging more of this, by the way. Don't say I didn't warn you.]   
  
I don't get the "sun" reference.  
  
Yaone: You've got to be kidding me. Goku? Sanzo? Sun? Com'on…  
  
Okay, I get it, but I don't see how that can imply a pairing -  
  
Yaone: Puhleeze, like the whole "rain" thing counts as a pairing inference, either. The only one I'd go for in this case is -   
  
Dokugakuji: Uh, you two? Storytime?  
  
Yaone: Storytime? What?  
  
I don't get it, either. Do you need a bedtime story, Dokugakuji?  
  
Dokugakuji: You're creeping me out. Just call me Jien.  
  
Funny, that's what a reviewer said, too.  
  
Okay! Story time for Jien!  
  
Doku - Jien: Wait, I never said I wanted a bedtime story -   
  
Yaone: Too late.  
  
Once upon a time there was a blonde guy named Genjo Sanzo. He wielded a paper fan and walked around with a tiny paper tube in his mouth. He liked paper.  
  
He especially loved paper airplanes. He'd fold them, and make them fly, but he really liked the orange ones. The blue ones he just couldn't see in the sky, and the white ones looked too much like clouds, and the black ones looked dark and angsty. Orange ones looked best against blue, so he always made orange planes.  
  
Jien: "Orange ones looked best"? Tacky.  
  
But one day, while Sanzo was out flying his paper airplanes (no one had yet fined him for being a litterbug), it became stormy, and rain began to fall. The rain was dark and heavy, and wet all his paper airplanes, and tore some of them in half, with the help of the wind. He began to cry, but his crying made the rain fall much harder, and his own tears were starting to ruin his paper airplanes, and the paper scroll he kept on his shoulders.  
  
He cried about this for a while, but soon grew tired of crying, and the rain kept falling. Very soon, he became irritated, and finally, he started shouting at the clouds.  
  
"STOP RAINING, DAMMIT!" He cried, and took out his revolver. It was not paper, but he liked it, anyway.  
  
Yaone: He's not going to -   
  
Jien: Well, duh.  
  
And he shot all six shots into the sky. There was a cry of pain, and a redhead fell to the ground from the clouds. Surprised, Sanzo looked over the redhead, noting the six wounds in his chest.  
  
"Owww! That hurt!" cried the red-head, whose name was Sha Gojyo. He had been having fun dancing in the clouds, but the appearance of this idiot sparked an urgent desire to rain water on him, ruining all his beloved paper.  
  
Suffice to say, they were both idiots.  
  
Sanzo noticed that it had stopped raining, and deduced that the redhead had caused all his trouble.  
  
So the blonde reloaded his gun, and shot the redhead again.  
  
The end.  
  
Jien: You… are very disturbing.  
  
And you, young man, are supposed to be asleep.  
  
Jien: Bet I'm older than you.  
  
Whatever. It could've been worse, y'know.   
  
Jien: How do you figure?  
  
How was Gojyo causing it to rain?  
  
Jien: …  
  
Yaone: …   
  
Jien: I repeat my previous statement: You are very disturbing.  
  
Bwaha.  
  
Yaone: I kinda liked it. Sorta.  
  
Whatever, now go to sleep.  
  



	14. I would do it, wouldn't you?

"Kyuu!"  
  
POOF  
  
HONK.  
  
"Kyuu!"  
  
POOF  
  
"STOP THAT!" Kougaiji roared, grabbing a hold of Hakkai the dragon before he could transform into a Jeep again. In response, Hakkai merely -  
  
POOF  
  
"Gah!" The redhead youkai quickly let go, gritting his teeth as he glared at the Jeep in front of him.  
  
"Kyuu!" HONK.  
  
This was fun.  
  
Uh-huh.   
  
…  
  
…  
  
…  
  
HONK.  
  
"DAMMIT - "  
  
I'm going to bed, now.  
  
Kougaji: I hate you.  
  



	15. regurgitation!

It's CHAPTER 15! Do you know what time it is, kiddos? All together now:  
  
IT'S RECAP EPISODE TIME!  
  
Gojyo: You're two episodes too late for the halfway point.  
  
Shhh, they're not supposed to know about the halfway point.  
  
Gojyo: You're shitting me - there's a halfway? I was just guessing.  
  
Goku: Does this mean it'll actually end?  
  
Read the summary: "pain and suffering in the form of a massive PWP!" Does it say anything about ending?  
  
Gojyo: Noo, but -  
  
But what?  
  
Goku: …Meanie.  
  
Whatever. Anyway:  
  
RECAP!  
  
For those of you just tuning in, here's what happened since the beginning of this fic:  
  
The Sanzo party were sitting around at 12 o'clock in the morning or night or afternoon at an inn arguing about cigarettes, when Hakkai and Hakuryuu went out to go buy stuff.   
  
AND THEY ENDED UP TAKING OVER THE WORLD!  
  
But no one cared. And people went: WTF?   
  
And the author smiled.  
  
NO COOKIES!  
  
And here's where the author needs to use the split window function on Word.  
  
Kougaiji angsted. And Lilin said something ambiguous.   
  
Back to Sanzo, Gojyo, Hakkai, and Goku looking MAD!  
  
Meat cooked, and the innmaids too advantage of them.  
  
But Hakkai swallowed a magical miffed swallow, and Goku called the author a bitch.  
  
Goku: Bitch.  
  
In light of that new bit of news, Gojyo's hair was set on fire.  
  
Gojyo: Hey!  
  
More of Kougaiji angsting.  
  
Kougaiji: Oh, I'm the angst machine - everyone pity me -   
  
And Nii demonstrated his love for Lilin. But that's disturbing, so Gojyo ran around to distract people.  
  
DISTRACTION!  
  
And it has been shown that Gojyo is in fact, the messiest fighter out of the four of them. My apologies to the man and his silly weapon.  
  
Gojyo: I'm not a wimp!  
  
But then Yaone showed her true side as a yaoi fangirl, and everyone rejoiced.  
  
All the male cast of Saiyuki: WHO THE HELL'S REJOICING?  
  
Kanzeon: I am.  
  
Oh, and Gojyo was saved from eminent fiery doom.  
  
Then Hakkai "Kyuu"-ed, and everyone went, "WTF?!"  
  
Everyone: WHAT THE FUCK?!  
  
Hakkai: Kyuu?  
  
And we were spared a 38 sighting.  
  
Aww.  
  
Sanzo: Die.  
  
Eat soap, monk.  
  
Hakkai: Now, now.  
  
…  
  
Hakkai: Erm, I mean. Kyuu…  
  
Right.  
  
And Dokugakuji was given a NEW NAME!  
  
Jien: How is my old name a new one?  
  
By the way, Hakkai and Hakuryuu switched bodies, and Yaone nearly died from a possible yaoi sighting.  
  
Yaone: That was you, not me.  
  
And people rejoiced. Sanzo got to burn a book.  
  
Sanzo: Woopdedoo. Yay, me.  
  
So now Hakkai is bugging the shit out of Kougaiji in Hakuryuu's form, and Hakuryuu is eating everything in sight as Hakkai.  
  
And Goku and Gojyo finally got it.  
  
STORY TIME FOR JIEN!  
  
Jien: Dammit, enough already!  
  



	16. melons! and things

"It's not just beautiful, it's correct." Soft, pale hands cupped together and scooped up a bit of water from the creek. Quiet laughter echoed from the tall rock walls that almost entirely surrounded the inn where the Sanzo party was staying.  
  
"I think it's time."  
  
"Time for what?" Goku queried Sanzo as he watched stiffened hands pluck at his shirt.  
  
Sanzo's face scrunched. "A BATH, YOU IDIOT! HAVEN'T YOU BEEN LISTENING TO WHAT I'VE BEEN SAYING ALL THIS TIME?"  
  
And with that, he hurled the brunette into the creek.  
  
"Waghhh!"  
  
"You, too, you perverted redhead!"  
  
"I'm goin', I'm goin'!"  
  
"Kyuu!"  
  
"No – wait, Hakkai! At least take off your shirt!"  
  
SUDDEN IMAGE OF SANZO PARTY STRIPPING TO SKIVVIES AND DRIPPING WET, WAIST-DEEP IN CLEAR WATER  
  
PANTSLESS  
  
OVERLOAD  
  
SHUTDOWN  
  
.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
REBOOTING…  
  
"What was that all about?" Goku frowned, still in the middle of taking off his cape.  
  
"Nothing. Just… forget it." Gojyo waved it away, a disgusted look on his face. He turned around, and saw –   
  
"Eeeeeeek!"  
  
"Yaone! Cover up!"  
  
Sanzo twitched. He was still on the bank, by the way. "What the hell are you doing here?"  
  
"And with our dragon!"  
  
"Kyuu!"  
  
"What do you think we're doing here – we're bathing, of course!" Kougaiji was already in the  
water.  
  
SUDDEN IMAGE OF KOUGAIJI PARTY STRIPPING TO SKIVVIES AND DRIPPING WET, WAIST-DEEP IN CLEAR WATER  
  
PANTSLE –   
  
Nii: Ooh. Boobies.  
  
Kougaji: GET THE HELL AWAY FROM YAONE AND MY SISTER!  
  
"Excuse me."  
  
All eight people turned to see a dark-haired woman, moderately-sized, staring at them from the creek bank.   
  
"What is it?" Sanzo grated out, barely glancing at her. His eyes were still on the people in the  
creek, as if his gaze was trying to impale everyone on a single shishkabob stick and beat them to death while they roasted over a large fire in the middle of the Sahara Desert.  
  
"Are you Genjo Sanzo?"  
  
He paused and turned slowly to give study the addressing party.  
  
She stood with one hand in the pockets of her tan cargo pants, the other pushing up a corner of her wireframe glasses gracefully. One darkened eye gazed at him seriously from behind those shaded lenses, and a shock of jet-black hair fell over the other, effectively covering one half of her face. Besides the cargo pants, she wore a slimming gray shirt and a digital watch on her left wrist, while the other arm sported a dark blue sheath-like thing that seemed to hide –   
  
Sanzo fired his gun, and the girl fell down dead.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
Sha right.  
  
Everyone: DAMMIT!  
  



	17. nothing but crap

Sanzo fired again and again, but to no avail. SHE KEPT ADVANCING!  
  
"AAAAAAGH! KILL HER, SANZO!" Goku wailed, retreating to the far side of the creek with Gojyo not far behind.  
  
"Get out of there, Sanzo!" Kougaiji, for all his dislike for the Sanzo-tachi, knew for certain that he would never wish a Mary-Sue upon any of his enemies.  
  
The girl stepped forward, a slight frown on her face as she approached Sanzo.  
  
"Hi, you're him, right? I'm – "  
  
"I. DON'T. CARE." And he fired the last shots at her, but at the last moment, he sensed her youkai aura, see the glimmer of a limiter hidden underneath her short-sleeved jacket –   
  
- And she continued to stand before him, that frown on her face.  
  
" – an."  
  
So he threw the gun in her face, as hard as he could.  
  
CRACK.  
  
There was a pause.  
  
"Didja get her?" Goku asked from behind Gojyo.  
  
Pause.  
  
The girl staggered back, opened her mouth –   
  
"JUST WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR?!"  
  
And Sanzo got a gun in his face, followed by kick to both shins, and a subsequent slapping-in-the-face by a pair of goggles.  
  
"DAMMIT, YOU BITCH – "  
  
"ALL I CAME HERE TO DO WAS GET MY TEA AND COFFEE BACK FROM THOSE JERKS YOU CALL COMPANIONS! MY TEA AND COFFEE! I WAS TRYING TO BE CIVIL!"  
  
"What the hell are you talking about?" Kougaiji was obviously still confused.  
  
As were they all.  
  
"TEA AND COFFEE! TWO DAYS! THAT'S MY LIFE'S WORK, Y'KNOW?! TWO DAYS FOLLOWING YOUR TRACKS ALL OVER THE DAMNED PLACE!"  
  
"Ah. Um. Sorry?" Gojyo apologized from his spot on the creek, noting full well the power of a kick to the shin.  
  
And the girl was suddenly in his face, waist-deep in the creek and glaring.  
  
"WHERE. IS. IT."  
  
"HAKKAI. ATE. IT."  
  
"Kyuu?"  
  
Wait. What the hell is going on here?  
  
Yaone: You wrote in a fuggin' Mary-Sue youkai.  
  
Yeah, and she died in the last chapter. Sanzo shot her, remember?  
  
Kougaiji: Then who is SHE?!  
  
Huh?  
  
A moderately-sized, dark-haired young woman stood in the middle of the creek, preparing to strangle a strangely-frightened Gojyo. Glowing red eyes bore into the redhead's own eyes as one gloved hand gripped his shirt in a tight fist. Her uniform jacket was slowly getting soaked, revealing dark red embroidery etching out the motto of -   
  
Dammit, Lan…  
  
"TEA AND COFFEE, TJ!"  
  
GET IT SOMEWHERE ELSE! YOU'RE SCARING THE SHIT OUT OF PEOPLE HERE!  
  
"AND MY FACE JUST GOT SMASHED BY A REVOLVER!"  
  
Tough. Shit. Get out. This is a fanfic. Get out before they beat you up.   
  
(with sticks! snicker)  
  
"Whatever. You owe me."  
  
Bitch.  
  
Is everyone happy now?  
  
Kougaiji: What?  
  
Sanzo: What?  
  
Gojyo: What?  
  
Goku: What?  
  
Yaone: Wha-  
  
JUST SHUT UP ALREADY!  
  
Sheesh.  
  
…  
  
This chapter sucks.  
  



	18. halfdragon, halfyoukai

Doot. Doot. Doot.  
  
"So." Kougaiji said, after a moment of silence.  
  
"So." Sanzo replied, his face the very picture of annoyance.  
  
DootdeDootdoo.  
  
"Come in for a swim?" Dokugakuji smiled amiably, and Gojyo started to laugh, only to be kicked by Goku.  
  
DootDootDoot.  
  
"We were here first!" Goku did a fair impression of someone less than half his age pouting. In response, Lilin stuck her tongue out at him, not caring that everyone was treated to her breasts doing many a jiggle before Kougaji stepped in front of her.  
  
DootdeDootdoo.  
  
Yaone: Will you stop that weird singing?  
  
It's called "a cappella". Try it?  
  
Yaone: I'd be happy if you just concentrated on the story at hand.  
  
You're just jealous of Lilin.  
  
Yaone: Why you –   
  
Back to the story at hand!  
  
"Listen, kid, we have as much right to be here as you do (even though I don't know why), so just – "  
  
"We'll fight you for it!"  
  
"Why are we always fighting?" Gojyo asked the air above him. Nice of him, eh?  
  
"'Cause they're the bad guys, Gojyo! Why're you so mellow all of a sudden?"  
  
"… Meh."  
  
"Kyuu?"  
  
"Kyuu!"  
  
Oh, yeah. Hakkai and Hakuryuu.  
  
The other seven paused as the dragon and green-eyed youkai came closer to each other in a dramatic reunion scene (effects deleted due to lack of proper description skills and the severe aversion to overly cheesy scenes) that nearly had everyone in tears by the time the little white dragon had come up to Hakkai's face –   
  
And started ripping his near-blind eye out.  
  
"AAAAAAHHHHHHH!"  
  
"RAAAAARRR!"  
  
"GAH! WHAT THE – HAKURYUU!" Goku screamed as he rushed forward to pry the dragon away from his companion.  
  
AND HAKURYUU TURNED INTO A GIANT YOUKAI-AND-HUMAN-EATING DRAGON AND ATE EVERYONE!  
  
No, no, no. Too violent.  
  
The dragon and youkai came closer together –   
  
- and Sanzo gasped in shock as the two entities merged to form SUPER–   
  
No. Too stupid.  
  
- to have sex –   
  
GAH! DELETEDELETEDELETE  
  
Aw, screw it.  
  
They had sex in the creek.  
  
Hakkai: Where by "sex", you mean "coffee"…  
  
Everyone else: MY EYES!  
  
Hakuryuu: Kyuu?  
  



	19. intermission ii

(intermission ii)  
  
A song  
  
By Son Goku  
  
Traveling with three other guys   
That's not fun  
It's a pain  
But I get to beat up bad guys  
So it's okay.  
  
I want my meatbun.  
  
The end.  
  
(end intermission ii)  
  
Gojyo: That was crap.  
  
Goku: WHAT WAS THAT, GOJYO?  
  



	20. intermission iii

.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
Nii: Yoouuuuu Arrrrrreee Soooooo Beautifulllllll…To Meeeeeee! Can't you seeeeeeeeeeeeeeee?  
  
Bunny: MEMORIEEEESSS! ALL ALONE IN THE MOOOONLIIIIGHT –   
  
Nii: You're interrupting me. Shut up.  
  
Bunny: …  
  
.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
Bunny: [CHOMP]  
  
Nii: AAAGH!  
  
(end intermission iii)  
  
[note: Um. I'm sorry to leave you all with some bad imagery from chapter 18 – I tried to make up for it with the intermissions, really I did. Unfortunately, I'm moving over the weekend (REJOICE!), and will be heading to someplace that will severely limit the crack for a while (REJOICE EVEN MORE!), so I decided to post all this up while I still had the connection . BWAHA. And now for some shameless (and unsolicited) promoting: Go read Transformers: Spring Cleaning. It has Autobot soap.]  
  



	21. damaging innuendo

[Yaone: Will you please, please just hurry up and finish this?  
  
Easy for you to say, Miss Fancy Pants.  
  
Yaone: I'm not the one who cut things off with the makings of a wet sex scene. It's your own damn fault.  
  
Geck.  
  
Yaone: Y'know, you could just disregard continuity.  
  
Puhleeze. I've managed to keep it straight so far.  
  
Gojyo: Sex-less. Not straight. I say, if you're going to be a yaoi fangirl about this, you might as well let me have a shot at Hakkai instead of –   
  
Bugger off.]  
  
"Nng! Aaah!" The sounds came pouring from Hakkai's lips as he fell to his knees in the middle of the creek, eyes widened in surprise.  
  
At the edge of the creek, Sanzo was twitching.  
  
"Aaah!"  
  
A few feet away from Hakkai, Gojyo was gaping.  
  
Splash. A white form was darting around just underneath the water around the green-eyed youkai.  
  
Standing half-naked on a rock, Goku just didn't get it.  
  
When Hakuryuu came up for air, Hakkai grabbed the dragon by the neck gently and gazed into tiny red orbs.  
  
Kougaiji and his crew were dumbfounded at what they had just witnessed.  
  
Hakkai's lips opened, and he brought Hakuryuu's face closer to his own.  
  
"The coffee! You spilled it all over me, and now you can't find the rest of the can?!"  
  
"Kyuu!"  
  
Because we all know Hakkai is nothing without his coffee.  
  
And tea.  
  
Gojyo cleared his throat. "Wasn't there someone here earlier, asking for tea and coffee?"  
  
No, there wasn't.  
  
"What are you talking about, Gojyo?" Goku asked, and now all the dumbfounded stares were directed at the water demon.  
  
"Forget that," Yaone snapped. "Just what was that just now?"  
  
The author deems it "Sex in a Creek, with Coffee". Or something like that.  
  
Sanzo: That was stupid. I could've done bett – I didn't say that.  
  
Everyone else: …  
  
Hakkai: Hot beverages are orgasmic.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
Sanzo: He didn't just say that, either.  
  
Hakkai: Yes, I did.  
  
[note: AND I'M BACK TO TORTURE YOU ALL! There was another name for this chapter, which was supposed to indicate just how difficult it was to write something like this, and how it reads like crap. However, it inadvertently triggered the "double entendre", and I'm not supposed to hurt people like that.   
  
::twitch:: Once again: I'm so sorry.]  
  



	22. ACTIONPACKED!

"So now can we fight?" asked Goku, and Kougaiji had to agree.  
  
"It looks like we meet again – " Yeah, yeah, fast-forward to the good chunks, forget this lousy dialogue.  
  
Jien: Y'know, this author isn't so bad.  
  
Yaone: Don't let her do that to you.  
  
Jien: You have a point, there.  
  
Kougaiji leaped back just in time to avoid a swipe of the Nyoi-bo, but Goku smiled even wider as he moved to close the gap between them, separating the Nyoi-bo into its three sections. Their eyes met as, for a moment, they paused in mid-air, similar bloodthirsty grins plastered all over their faces.  
  
Hakkai got thwapped in the head by a medicine ball. He turned to see Yaone staring back at him, a determined look on her own face. They nodded to each other, and Yaone opened her mouth to speak –  
  
"I'm doing this for Lord Kougaiji – " Yadda yadda, and the battle between ki and alchemy began.  
  
Dokugakuji and Gojyo merely looked at each other, then began their own fight. The clash of metal rang through the clearing.  
  
Lilin chomped happily on one of Sanzo's meat buns.  
  
Finally.  
  
Sanzo sure gets it lucky in these fights, doesn't he?  
  
"GENJO SANZO!" Roared a horde of youkai. "THE SUTRA!"  
  
Goku and Kougaiji paused again in mid-air, and Kougaiji turned only enough to narrow his eyes at the horde leader. The leader, for his part, meeped accordingly, and Sanzo was left once again with Lilin, the other youkai having departed quickly.  
  
"Damn you," Sanzo muttered in Kougaiji's general direction. And just for good measure, he said it in Goku's direction as well.  
  
Meanwhile, Yaone and Hakkai were having tea and crumpets in the back seat of Jeep, and Dokugakuji and Gojyo were doing Bruce Lee impressions in the creek.  
  
"HWAAOOoohhhhhhhh…"  
  



	23. The Christmas Special!

(note:3.2.5: As you may have already noticed, this is the Christmas special, which means that it was written around three months ago. Well, it was. On my LJ. I haven't actually been posting to due to the existence of semagic and LJ, and just how much fun it was to make fics up on the fly while typing up a post. In the end, I'm still behind in posting the fics on so there may be huge chunks in time where I update loads of silly ditties to the site. This is not to say that I require you to go read my LJ, because I don't (twould be pretty horrible if I forced you to go there, verrrry boring), but I don't mind ocassional visitors, if you in fact do become interested. They will all eventually wind up here, because that's where fics go. From here on out, though, if it was written on LJ, then I will apply an additional disclaimer, which will be seen shortly, and probably explain a bit of the stupidity that goes on in my head. enjoy. ) 

LJ-DISclaimer: This is an LJ-fic, meaning it was written on LJ while I was writing a post. That said, it's probably short, and probably about something randomly boring, and will most likely not have a lot of MIND-NUMBING SPECIAL PLOT behind all of it (not that it matters with bpuws!); I was just writing it on the fly (unless it was in response to a fic challenge, bah). Have at thee!

bpuws: The Christmas Special:

So.

Kanzeon: Y'know, there's something to be said about having us do a Christmas Special...

I know it.

Kanzeon: And yet, even the producers in Japan want us to go through with it.

Hr?

Kanzeon: Reload. Sanzo. Reindeer.

Ohhh, Heh. Yeah.

Kanzeon: You're not really alive, are you?

Well, I am getting over a cold...

Kanzeon: Should I take over?

Everyone else: HELL NO!

Too late.

Kanzeon: Sha right. I'm too lazy to do all that, anyway. But, while you're here, we'll sing something Christmassy.

.

.

.

.

.

Kanzeon: A-one, TWO, THREE, GO!

(to the tune of "We Wish You A Merry Christmas" - actually more like tuneLESS than anything else)

Sanzo: We wish you a merry Christmas

Goku: We wish you a merry Christmas

Hakkai: Even though we don't believe in Christmas

Gojyo: In Tenjikoku!

(pause)

Goku: What came next?

Gojyo: Uh.

Sanzo: Just say anything. I want to get this over with.

Hakuryuu: Kyuu?

Goku: Oh, yeah! There were meat buns!

Hakuryuu: Kyuuu!

Kougaiji: Lilin, stay away from the dragon!

Lilin: MEAT BUNS!

(continue "singing")

Goku and Lilin: So bring us a lot of meat buns

So bring us a lot of meat buns

Lilin: I want some of Sanzo's meat buns (Kougaiji: LILIN!)

Goku and Lilin: And bring them right here!

We won't go until we get some

We won't go until we get some (Hakkai: Um, I think we skipped a verse somewhere)

We won't go until we get some (Gojyo: Hey, Yaone, wanna -  
Yaone: There's a bar back there, you'll have better chances)

And something-la-la-la (Goku and Lilin spot the pile of meat buns in a corner)

Dokugakuji: Good tidings we bring to you and your kin We wish you a merry Christmas and a happy new year!

(pause)

Kougaiji: That was pretty good, Dokugakuji.

Dokuga - Jien: Thanks.

Gojyo: You sing like a girl.

Jien: You ARE a girl.

Gojyo: You're not supposed to tell them tha - er.

(cricket)

Hakkai: WELL! I think it's time we got on our way, don't you think, Sanzo?

Sanzo: We're not bringing the coffee machine.

Hakuryuu: Kyuu

Hakkai: ...

Sanzo: ...

Hakkai: ...

Sanzo: Stop that.

Hakkai: ...

Sanzo: I said -

Goku: SANZO! WE'RE OUTTA MEAT BUNS!

Yaone: You were NOT going to turn that into a 38 moment.

Happy Holidays, all!

:snifflesnortcough:


	24. mpreg mellow

ch24, bpuws!

3.2.5 :There is much love. And I need to take out the trash. Do the dishes. Hm.

"Sanzo, I think I'm pregnant."

This is what Sanzo heard as he opened his eyes to a new day. This is what Sanzo saw:

Goku, in his pajamas, clutching at a rather large, rather round belly. He was looking a little green, too, but Sanzo normally just chalked that up to typical Goku.

In fact, he could also put the belly into that category, too.

Nothing special. Back to sleep!

"Sanzo?"

"Don't barf on me. You just overate."

"No, Sanzo, really! I think I can feel it kicking."

"That, you dumb monkey, is your stomach ready to wharf. Now get out of here and stop waking me up!"

So Goku, a little disappointed, left, and immediately found a toilet to empty his guts into, despite the fact that typical Goku didn't ever waste food by throwing it all up.

NEVER.

And that was that.  
"Sanzo, I think Goku's pregnant." Hakkai said softly into Sanzo's ear during breakfast. "He's been sick a lot lately."

What. 

Goku saying something stupid was one thing, but Hakkai saying the same thing was another. Sanzo stared.

At Hakkai.

Hakkai was looking very worried, wringing his hands in a worried fashion, his eyes looking in that worried way toward Goku, who was eating and yelling at Gojyo as usual, but still looking a little green.

"I think we should get him to a doctor, Sanzo."

Sanzo opened his mouth to reply, but was interrupted by Gojyo.

"Hey, monk! The monkey says he's pregnant!"

And the entire inn paused to digest this.

Fast-forward to the doctor! The other doctor! Yeah, him! The baby doctor! (Because, well, Sanzo could only take so much stupidity after the riot caused by hundreds of fangirls rushing forward to point at the suspected father, which will be elaborated upon verrry soon.)

(Like now.)

"I think it's yours, Sanzo."

"What."

"Well, it can't be mine, and I hope it's not Hakuryuu's, but - "

"Well, it can be."

"Kyuu?" They'd switched back, just in case you forgot about the creek thing. Easy plotline cleanup!

"It's not Hakuryuu's." There was some sort of evil aura around Hakkai. Gojyo meeped.

"Well, it's not mine. I was just saying." 

"And you think it's mine!" Sanzo was CLEARLY apoplectic (Apoplectic!). His hair was standing on end, DBZ-style, even!

Hakkai drank his coffee, and the world screamed.

And Goku burped, and out came a baby.

"I think I'll wear a dress, now." Goku declared, and went off to find one.

Sanzo stared at the baby on the table. It was clearly a Goku clone, sitting and eating meatbuns. Gojyo and Hakkai smiled happily, killed the dress!Goku, and gave the new one his old clothes.

It was really, really, really bloody, so the two had to strip down and bathe each other in the creek.

And Sanzo went back to bed, swearing off of chain-smoking cigarettes while sleeping.

Kougaiji: What.

Yaone: What.

Jien: What.

Lilin: I'm hungry. Can I have what Goku's got?

Nii: Why certainly, let me show you -

Kougaiji: Bunny, attack!

Bunny: CHOMP.

note: if ever there was a sidestory to bpuws, it's this one, because it's so different (to me) from the rest of it. However, it's still a braindump fic, so I'm not apologizing. In no way. 

Yaone: You just put that next to last line in for kicks, didn't you.

I aim to please.

Yaone: It's 58, you know. 

I know it. Most you'll get out of me yet.

Yaone: Big whoop. Gimme back my 35 doujin. 


	25. stating the obvious

As a public service announcement, Tonberries are awesomely deadly. Mega-Tonberries are just plain scary. And guess what? You can learn a Blue Bullet from them!

Wotta pain.

Yaone: Just what are you talking about?

Huh?

Yaone: You. You're going on about Ton-whassis-thingies.

Oh. Yeah, well, that's Final Fantasy X-2. Heard of it?

Yaone: FF gone Charlie's Angels? What do you see in that game?

Certainly not the plot, but it does give me an idea.

BEDTIME STORY!

Jien: I will KILL you.

In the deep, dark jungles of a distant land, there lived a monkey. This monkey was carefree and happy, and was well-respected by his jungle peers. 

Unfortunately, he was made of stone, and therefore could not move. He did not mourn this, however; he merely looked upon his condition as a natural occurrence, and, in effect, a blessing from the deities in the heavens above.

Yaone: Tad wordy, there. Been listening to British accents?

Sh. Where was I?

Jien: He was stone.

Ah. Yes, he was. The End.

Yaone: ...

Jien: ...

Night.

Everyone else: Wait a minute!


	26. where's everyone else?

Yaone: I fail to see how ex-summoners-gone-gunner had anything to do with that last chapter.

Kinda sounds like a yummynummy meal.

Yaone: Excuse me?

Curry and Tonberries!

Before Yaone can recover from that, we'll move on.

Barring funny little incidents involving pregnant monkeys and coffee overlords, the Sanzo party would be proud - or bored - to say that the past few weeks had been uneventful. 

Very uneventful. 

In fact, so uneventful, that they fell asleep into what seemed to the innkeepers like a horrendous coma.

HORRENDOUS!

Except that it really wasn't.

But we won't elaborate. Plotholes rule our world.

Hakkai was grinning.

The author stands corrected. Hakkai was alive, awake, and apparently grinning at something like the MADMAN he really is.

He really is a madman.

Hakkai was actually sitting on a bench near the creek, grinning at a tiny whirlpool that had developed in the water. The whirlpool had snagged a fallen leaf and was busy pulling it deeper into its center, completely disregarding all forms of complaint from the leaf itself. "All forms of complaint" consisting of the leaf trying to plaster itself to a nearby rock, or picking up other leaves in its wake, and finally resorting to crumbling into several parts in order to have some tiny chance of survival.

Which was ridiculous, since in the process of crumbling, it was killing itself, anyway.

This, by the way, was what Hakkai thought was hilarious, and was the reason the youkai was sitting on a concrete bench near the creek by the inn, grinning almost maniacally - well, it was maniacally, not almost - at a tiny area of the creek. 

It was kind of funny, really. What with Sanzo dozing off while chain-smoking, and Goku burying himself in barbecue ribs and sausage, and Gojyo busy trying to win more money off of the local cardsharks, Hakkai found that he had finally scored some time for himself. He reasoned that it would take about five more hours before the cigarettes finally burned down the inn, and at least two or three hours past that for Goku and Gojyo to suffer from an overdose of their favorite evils, so he himself had a nice long day's worth of Hakkai time.

And Hakkai time right now consisted of laughing at the demise of a tiny fallen leaf.

Kougaiji clearly thought that Cho Hakkai was a madman. 

Hakkai glanced down at a patch of grass, then slowly, ceremoniously, picked several blades out, one by one -

- and dropped them into the creek.

"Hahaha..." He chuckled to himself, now crouching at the edge of the water.

Yeah, definitely a madman. Maybe worse than Nii.

Kougaji paused in his hiding place underneath the concrete bench. Shifted his legs a little; it was a little cramped.

In fact, he wouldn't have been surprised if Hakkai was -

No. 

NonononoNO.

Maybe.

No.

Maybe.

And while Kougaiji battled himself on the playground of his own mind, Hakkai fell into the creek.

Gojyo was very happy, though; he'd just won another month's worth of hair gel. Johnny Bravo, eat your heart out.

Yaone: Stop making references to people we don't know!


	27. honor and glory

In times of grief and loss, it was said that a ray of light would appear beneath the murky depths of a crystal-clear lake at the foot of a mountainous valley. From this ray of light would come a beast of purity and grace, showering all with the glory of its presence. 

The people would rejoice and celebrate its coming, laying out piles of food upon colorful blankets to share their wealth with others, and filling their days and nights with music and dance. Villages in utmost despair would prepare for this day, the day the beast would grace their lands, and even the lowliest would don their best outfits for the coming. The villagers, elders and children alike, rich and poor together, as one, would cry out in greeting:

"Jeep!"

And the mighty and graceful Hakuryuu would descend,

eat their food,

and leave the people to their misery and despair. Even now, the people wait for the beast Hakuryuu's coming, and prepare with song and dance and food, believing that when the beast eats, it is a blessing.

The end.

Goku: I want Hakuryuu's job.

Jien: This was a bedtime story, wasn't it.

Yaone: I believe it was.

Night, all.


	28. in ten minutes' time

note? Yes, note: 

There are (typically) twenty-six episodes in a regular anime series, sometimes only thirteen. Saiyuki, oh wonderful plot device this traveling is, went on in its original season for fifty-two episodes (that's twice twenty-six, uh-huh), then walked straight into Reload and Gunlock. The manga (again, the original) carries for nine volumes, and continues happily in Reload, thus ensuring that Kazuya Minekura (-sensei, oh-the-Great-One) has a job (though I'd really go for more BUSGamer and Wild Adapter, too).

bpuws! will never go for that long, methinks. Note the significant timespace between chapters 26 and 27, and other. This author will, though, probably keep this going as long as I have something to poke fun at in the Saiyuki universe, especially if I'm trying to write depressing fics at the same time. Remember? Brain-dump fic? Yeah, that.

And the Summer Detour Challenge has been started for this year, so this means more fun and love!

This also means I'm back to torture you again. Apologies.

Oh. And yes, that's the fic he's burning.

* * *

Sanzo was burning a book with his lighter. The book was a crudely-bound set of pages covered in crayon and magic marker, and he certainly was not interested in reading it. He was also not interested in doing anything remotely resembling "hanging out with Gojyo and Goku".

Sanzos don't "hang out".

The Three Aspects do the polka in their ethereal space; he'd caught them once while he was taking a shortcut through the temple grounds to get to the coffee machine before Hakkai came over.

(Because Sanzo digs the coffee, but won't let anyone know he's immune to its death effect; he likes having people underestimate him that way.)

But the Three Aspects also gave him a gold credit card, so whatever they did in their free time was none of his business, anyway.

None of this pertains to Sanzos not "hanging out", but it had to be said, anyway.

He'd considered looking for Hakkai (sitting around reading newspapers and drinking coffee with Hakkai wasn't considered "hanging out", since it nearly always resulted in an argument over who would get to eat the coffee grounds and turn the sports page into a paper hat for Captain Sparrow impersonations -

- but no one was supposed to know that)

, but the man was nowhere to be seen. Hakuryuu, though, was clothespinned to a wire out in front, along with a few various articles of clothing left to dry from the last encounter with the creek beside the inn. The little dragon seemed to be perfectly content where it was, so Sanzo let it be.

Not that he would try too hard in rescuing the little coffee-stealer, anyway.

So he continued to sit in the lobby of the inn, burning a crappy little book and filling the lobby with black smoke that smelled vaguely of, well. Burning wax and paper. Go figure.

Gojyo strode into the lobby from the game room, clearly happy, and clearly carrying a large box of somethings hard and liquidy. Sanzo could see hot pink protruding from the top of the box, and could hear the sloshing of whatever it was that was in the hot pink stuff.

"Hey, Sanzo," Goku said from behind said Sanzo, and now all chances of avoiding "hanging out with Gojyo and Goku" were gone. Well, at least, the Goku part, since Gojyo was headed straight for their room upstairs. Sanzo made a mental note to follow the redhead at some point; the antennae were twitching in that 'there will be trouble' sort of way.

"What is it." Sanzo gave the boy a look that clearly said, 'Can't you see I'm busy burning this book?'

But Goku couldn't read that look, as the room was pretty thick with smoke. "Are those Gojyo's, um, y'know..."

... "No. I don't."

Goku lowered his voice and leaned closer, which allowed the blonde to smell the barbecue on the boy's breath. Someone's been feeding him a healthy supply of the stuff lately, and he couldn't figure out who. "Y'know, um. Dogakujiwhasis-that guy, y'know, he told me yesterday that Gojyo was a girl. Are those things in that box, um."

"... a girl."

"... like his, I mean her, personal things?"

"... Gojyo."

"Yeah, well, I thought that if they were, I'd go and find a bag for him, it seems kinda bulky, and hauling that around is - "

"Dokugakuji told you this."

Goku paused. "Sanzo, you know your hand's on fire?"

"I'm burning a book, Goku. Go the hell away."

"Oh. Okay. I'll just be down the street, in that bag store."

"Yeah, well, stay there for a while."

"Can I borrow the card?"

"Dancing polka in the ether - When you find the right bag, just come and get me. I'll be done with this by then."

"Ah, cool! See ya later!"

Someone was tapping on his shoulder. "Sir? Sir? I'm sorry, but I'll have to ask you to go outside to burn that book, the smoke is bothering the other customers - "

"How long will it take to burn this place down?"

"An hour, sir. I'll evacuate the premises immediately."


	29. trying very hard

I normally don't like making too many author notes, but with bpuws, I don't think you'd care too much, right?

So, I'd like to mention that as of 7.11.5 - because I didn't check my mail for a few days - bpuws! now has 69 reviews, which makes this author incredibly happy (it was more like what the reviews said than the actual count. You people make me so so happy, did I mention that? And for those of you who hate this, and don't want to tell it to me, how did you get this far down? I'd rather you say what's on your mind, anyway). The gutter mind kinda helped. Also, here's another reminder that thanks to you wonderful people, this fic-thing has extended itself beyond the few chapters I thought it would be, and even has a birthday (much thanks for the reminder, Karotsamused).

Suffice to say, I'm glad I make you happy, and hope to keep doing so.

Oh, yeah, and here's a warning: WARNING.

* * *

I'm liking this new system story system. 

Yaone: Really now.

Hey, you're back!

Yaone: And you're lazy. Y'know, I'd really love to see you try a three-five. Give me something to do.

... Kougaiji, you busy?

Kougaiji: Apparently not busy enough.

QUICKIE MENTAL IMAGE OF GOJYO SUCKING SANZO'S -

Hakkai: This is where I'm supposed to say "Educational Guidance", right?

EDUCATIONAL GUIDANCE.

EDUCATIONAL GUIDANCE.

EDUCATIONAL GUIDANCE.

Yaone: I hope you die a slow and painful death.

But you liked the mental image, right?

Yaone: ... I still hope you die suffering. Right, Kougaiji-sama?

Kougaiji: THE HELL WAS THAT!

Poor, poor, innocent.

The hotel was now on fire, and its patrons happily rearranged in rows out on the front lawn. Jien had taken to directing them all over the patchy grass, back and forth, back and forth, all in the hopes of creating a new strategy for beating Yaone at chess (forget the fact that they actually don't play chess, only get into catfights and hurl pieces at each other). Unfortunately, the pieces were wandering too much, and he had to keep beating them over the head with a stick -

LIKE THE TITLE!

- just to keep the board playable.

(It can now be noted that Gojyo and Sanzo had no real complaints about the previous image.)

Everyone else: Uh.

Gojyo: Did I miss something here?

Sanzo: Don't wanna know.

Gojyo, upon sensing that the presence of that demonic element known as fire, had immediately jumped out of the building with his newly acquired hair gel. He landed in bushes, just so you'd know. Just like a regular movie ninja would.

Then again, ninjas wouldn't really care about their hair as much as Gojyo does.

"NO FAIL!" He screamed in midair.

And if you don't know anything about Honey and Clover, you now know a little of it.

Laaaaa.

Ichigo: What are we doing here?

Rukia: Beats me. Wanna threesome with Ishida?

Ichigo: Normally I'd say "Like hell", but the idea sounds oddly appealing to me right now. You're on.

Hmm, it seems the author is straying from the original topic -

Yaone: Which was?

- so here we go again:

Gojyo landed on Sanzo (forget all that stuff with the bushes), who had tossed the burning book back into the inn and was trying to get away nonchalantly whilst polishing his gun.

"OH MY GOD! GET IT OUT!"

"MY GUN!"

Yaone: I am NOT seeing this.

I think I'll stop right here.


End file.
